I am once again awake late into the night and not sure on what  my life is even here for anymore, I apparently am a good friend but yet I always question this when I am so left out. I sit here bored as usual, it is a sad state of being where one who use to have so much fun is now brought down to a quiet yawn of a life, I don't miss a single thing in my life that has happened, instead I hate a few decisions I have made and even more the way I am today, I hate it. I don't understand why one who use to be happy with himself is now brought down to the bottom and can find no way out, or even if there was one the willingness to travel that path. I have no inspiration to continue.

I have said this before and it becomes more truthful with each time I say it again, If I die now, I will only regret not doing this earlier. Although one should not confuse this with a plot to suicide cause I see suicide as a weakness and anyone who is truely doing this for themselves to be worth absolutely nothing. Saying this I should mention I have been willing to off myself to someone else before, but that was in a heat of emotions swollowed in a tornado of lies and broken hearts.

I have been foolish enough in the past to have believed I was in love and now as I sit here, I do regret thinking that way, I am scarred physically and mentally and nothing is going to change that anytime soon. I am in a state of my life where I have little to look forward too and a lot to look back apon, but that leaves me with nothing in the middle which is where I happen to be. I know that people may read this and argue this fact. Some people believe they have been able to realize what mood I truely was in when they talk to me and I really don't wish to upset you but I am going to say you were wrong. I may seem happy, I may seem mad, I may seem depressed, and all of them could be true but I really don't know how I feel and I only coat it up with a mask so others can continue on with me.

Over the years I have manage to develope many mask, such that I have truely lost my original self, I have created mask for mask and mask apon them to at times. I really am not long sure if it is me or another self inside of me. I guess that will start to explain why my thoughts are in an omnipresence form. I wish I could find my original self but after so many years of masking and masking I am not sure if that person is even me anymore. I know this may seem a plead of insanity but this is the truth behind the man you know, well sorta. I hate being this way but yet I am useless in correcting it, I do not have the tools or the means of rectifying these mistakes. I coat myself with liqour, use to with drugs for a while, and before that with video games. I have not truely been myself since I was a child, and even then I might of been others at the same time, my memory will not show all but it will carry bits of my past, this next part may be a little confusing but once you think about it a few times it might become more understandable. I am currently not sure of my mood, but if anything it would be depressed.. my earliest memory goes back to Maplestreet school where I was in Junoir Kindergaton, I remember playing with the blocks with my friend Chris after just recently questioning why there was a jack-in-the-box in a Jk room. We would build fort walls for no reason, not that we hide behind them we just liked building. Although this can bring a happy grin to my face it has not changed my mood. I know of days where I was happy and could not remember this but remember other times, and even days where I was upset remembering totally different instances then the others. I am starting to believe my moods have all been broken down into mask and my memories of the past all recide in different mask as my true self is floating between them all.

I am 19 years old. I at times have been known to be wiser then people of twice my age. I am also known for being intelligent, as well as the schools like to say "gifted/talented" but I know everyone could be considered that too it just takes different people different catalyst to embrace those abilites. I have been trying to explain who I am and what I am feeling like and not only once I have explained the fact I don't know how I am and who I am but multiple times. Well I am not sure what else to say nor wheither or not to continue and try and strike deeper. I think this is where I have to break off what I am talking about, this has only cause me to sink depper into depression.

Anybody who truely wants to comment on this, about anything just sorta curious who gives a shit enough to read this