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Darkage Raven's Profile


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Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Layer 2

I thank both Will and Tim as I know they import in the ideal was not only indepth but of the intellectual persuasion. People who have known me throught out the years have noticed I have changed and I have expanded but once again I have seen myself do this growth as if I was not the one doing it. I think that is the point I meant to over stress but not expand apon. I know I have seemly talked my talk about this topic but when you have lived most of your life in a state of constant changing and suddenly force to stop and situate yourself and your future you two will wonder what it is to live, what it is to be happy and what is there to look forward to. I am going to insert some lyrics to a song I am listening to and see if any of you can realize how this would reflect onto me and how I have been, and although some of you may be looking for the deep complex answers, in life and reality when someone ask you to hand them the wrench you should not hand him a orange and argue that it is a wrench and the person if just looking at it right. Hell consider this a two pointer if you can name where this song is from, As you all should know I am a movie junkie and I shall say this now and only a few may understand this: onitnarat nintneuq seod os dna klat srorrim The song is titled Little Green bag, I suggest you give it a shot. Yeah Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag Got to find just that kind or losin' my mind Outta sight in the night, outta sight in the day Lookin' back on the track, gonna do it my way Outta sight in the night, outta sight in the day Lookin' back on the track, gonna do it my way Lookin' back Lookin' for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind Lookin' for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind Yeah Lookin' back on the track for a little green bag Got to find just that kind or losin' my mind Outta sight in the night, outta sight in the day Lookin' back on the track, gonna do it my way Lookin' back on the track for a little, little green bag Got to find just that kind or losin' my mind Lookin' for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, turn to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind Lookin' for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find Jump to the left, jump to the right Lookin' upstairs, lookin' behind As we all realize we have times of weakness and times of strenght but I know this is a comman syndrome of all animals and living organizms. Even the trees themselves have times of weakness and dispite most belief it would not be the winter which cause them to shed their leaves and become lifeless statues, well atleast the looks of one. Their true time of weakness would be also their time of great strenght, it would be the sunny day, the sun is needed for the break down of photosynthesis but if goes on to long it now can become their weakness. Drought would be the common word most would think and that would be the correct word to use, when it doesn't have enough energy to work but still trying to work it kills itself slowly. And this is the point of the night I switch to something more classical, Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. If any of you were at all curious what has been brought apon me to be open about myself, the self that is here currently I couldn't even tell you for I am no longer sure of that anymore and I really although am sorta sad that I could not explain why I have decided to down my present life in order to clear out the past. I think now although am not sure the true reason I am trying to move on in my life as I have hit a fork in the road and have not decided which path to tread apon knowing once I take one path there is not a chance to turn back for a long while. I know some will say this is just a nervousness of entering college but that it not it. I have been looking forward to college for a while now, probably since I saw what a challenge it was for my brother and knowing I have a harder course has got me gearing to go. I am a man of challenge, the more of a challenge the more I work at it to overcome and I do not ever consider not completing or beating it as a failure cause failure is only a lack of success and even in failure you have succeeded something along the way. My father sad it the best to me when I was younger "You can never fail as long as you try." Although for a while I was, and still am angry at him for expecting me to be my brother when it comes to life choices. I have to admit sometimes we do have comman grounds but that is so few that my own parents seeing them mistake us can anger me because I am disguisted by my brother and the way he is, but that is alot to explain and stuff I shall not bother you with.

Posted at 1/31/2006 3:22:11 am by Darkage_Raven
Leave Me Your Twisted Views



Monday, January 30, 2006
Layer 1

I am once again awake late into the night and not sure on what  my life is even here for anymore, I apparently am a good friend but yet I always question this when I am so left out. I sit here bored as usual, it is a sad state of being where one who use to have so much fun is now brought down to a quiet yawn of a life, I don't miss a single thing in my life that has happened, instead I hate a few decisions I have made and even more the way I am today, I hate it. I don't understand why one who use to be happy with himself is now brought down to the bottom and can find no way out, or even if there was one the willingness to travel that path. I have no inspiration to continue.

I have said this before and it becomes more truthful with each time I say it again, If I die now, I will only regret not doing this earlier. Although one should not confuse this with a plot to suicide cause I see suicide as a weakness and anyone who is truely doing this for themselves to be worth absolutely nothing. Saying this I should mention I have been willing to off myself to someone else before, but that was in a heat of emotions swollowed in a tornado of lies and broken hearts.

I have been foolish enough in the past to have believed I was in love and now as I sit here, I do regret thinking that way, I am scarred physically and mentally and nothing is going to change that anytime soon. I am in a state of my life where I have little to look forward too and a lot to look back apon, but that leaves me with nothing in the middle which is where I happen to be. I know that people may read this and argue this fact. Some people believe they have been able to realize what mood I truely was in when they talk to me and I really don't wish to upset you but I am going to say you were wrong. I may seem happy, I may seem mad, I may seem depressed, and all of them could be true but I really don't know how I feel and I only coat it up with a mask so others can continue on with me.

Over the years I have manage to develope many mask, such that I have truely lost my original self, I have created mask for mask and mask apon them to at times. I really am not long sure if it is me or another self inside of me. I guess that will start to explain why my thoughts are in an omnipresence form. I wish I could find my original self but after so many years of masking and masking I am not sure if that person is even me anymore. I know this may seem a plead of insanity but this is the truth behind the man you know, well sorta. I hate being this way but yet I am useless in correcting it, I do not have the tools or the means of rectifying these mistakes. I coat myself with liqour, use to with drugs for a while, and before that with video games. I have not truely been myself since I was a child, and even then I might of been others at the same time, my memory will not show all but it will carry bits of my past, this next part may be a little confusing but once you think about it a few times it might become more understandable. I am currently not sure of my mood, but if anything it would be depressed.. my earliest memory goes back to Maplestreet school where I was in Junoir Kindergaton, I remember playing with the blocks with my friend Chris after just recently questioning why there was a jack-in-the-box in a Jk room. We would build fort walls for no reason, not that we hide behind them we just liked building. Although this can bring a happy grin to my face it has not changed my mood. I know of days where I was happy and could not remember this but remember other times, and even days where I was upset remembering totally different instances then the others. I am starting to believe my moods have all been broken down into mask and my memories of the past all recide in different mask as my true self is floating between them all.

I am 19 years old. I at times have been known to be wiser then people of twice my age. I am also known for being intelligent, as well as the schools like to say "gifted/talented" but I know everyone could be considered that too it just takes different people different catalyst to embrace those abilites. I have been trying to explain who I am and what I am feeling like and not only once I have explained the fact I don't know how I am and who I am but multiple times. Well I am not sure what else to say nor wheither or not to continue and try and strike deeper. I think this is where I have to break off what I am talking about, this has only cause me to sink depper into depression.

Anybody who truely wants to comment on this, about anything just sorta curious who gives a shit enough to read this


Posted at 1/30/2006 2:17:12 am by Darkage_Raven
Psycho Therapy At Work (1)



Thursday, November 03, 2005
So I am a second rate friend

Lately people seem to have been on the rocks. I am going to go back to my careless say less personality since it seems to make people angry at me. Like Veronica, I said my thoughts on what happened and just because "I don't understand" which I do, believe it or not, that I have no right to say what I did. I am sorry I never felt the need to do that. I had enough control of myself not to. I don't care if it was curiousity or not, or feelings left from when ever. The act itself is wrong. Please be mad at me, please yell at me, but understand it was your mistake and I don't deserve your anger because you did something wrong.

I use to be closer to people too but it seems I am not invited over or even thought of anymore, I fucking hate when people will never think of me when it comes to doing anything fun but when they have a problem or need help; "Jesse, can you..." You know what FUCK YOU! I have my own problems which I never talk about with you guys because all you guys do is talk about yourselves. Why the hell should I be open with imgrates!

I have helped so many people but I am seen as an ass. I may be at times but no more then most of then, hell alot of the time alot less then them but I don't call them an ass cause of that. For the my own sake I don't talk to anyone about what is going on, well what is truly going on, I may say a small some but there is a lot more going on. I know I haven't posted a single entry here in a while but that is because I do no care to when people out there don't even seem to care, no one seems to even read these anymore of let alone care about them. I gave up on my project for this site because I do not get enough use out of it to even consider finishing it. I have it almost all the way done I just have to work on the live ability and such, although only maybe Jorel would understand and I am not even sure he will even read this.

I don't seem to talk to anyone anymore because no one really talks about anything besides themselves and I am getting sick of it.

YOU KNOW WHAT GET OVER IT. IT HAPPENED JUST DON"T FUCK UP AGAIN FOR YOUR OWN SAKE!!!

I have been not on the computer much anymore cause I share it with my brother now and I can't be on as much as I want to be, I need a job so I can buy myself a computer and I can just use that to be on instead of this bullshit right now where it is freaking hard to get my brother off the computer even though he has been on over half the nigh to begin with. 

I think I am done here I wonder if anyone will comment, I don't care any comment.. even if you are just browsing please leave one. Fun to meet new people.

Posted at 11/3/2005 12:35:48 am by Darkage_Raven
Psycho Therapy At Work (1)



Thursday, August 25, 2005
A poetic moment in tradigy

The beautiful red river which flows slowly down my wrist is tainted with emotions of another kind, with each millimeter it travels my smile grows fonder of the bittersweet memories. It reminds me not that I am dying but that I am alive. Rules are true and which can predict fate, the blood drips down to gather before its departure from my body. It collects in such a manner to mock me, by the form of tear drops it takes it reminds me of feelings I can never embrace, the tears will never collect although with true intentions I have spread false will. These lines of passion and strength seem to remind me of horrible times although with each slice my mind becomes joyful with thoughts of the truth and reminders of true ending. Fate has played many sadistic games with my dreams, blurring and twisting them at its will, in the end to only leave me hollow and depressed. To live is to fear.To die is to accept no other answer. To embrace another possiblity is to deny all reality and succed in true inmortality of not the body but of the mind, to set ones soul free is the only carnal pleasure one ever needs, to give all for none, to play against all odds, to hope when there is none, that is true love. Love for some is not to others but to love one with all your heart, body, and soul is a miracle which should never be treated lightly and tossed away. Although it does happen it does not mean the end of world, but a new begining, in which one will spend forever to right the wrong, to live for love, to die for today and live for tomorrow. God is in his heavens, all rights with the world.

Posted at 8/25/2005 9:34:56 pm by Darkage_Raven
Leave Me Your Twisted Views



Friday, July 15, 2005
Disco Dancing Zombies?

I posted this on a forum. Zombie Squard. www.zombiehunters.com I just thought it deserves more response including people from here.

The Question.
If you had unlimited technology and the time, in a PAW where zombies roamed the world, You have contained a small number of Zombie and told to put them to use, what would you do and how would you do it.

My answer.
In this situation I would like to refrain from all research since after all the destruction and utter chaos I believe everyone could use a laugh as well as a form of entertain ment.
Since Zombies brains are still considered functional or skull raping them of some sort would not work, even though in George A Rameros LOTD they clearly had a priest whose head was distacted and only being held on by a small figment of skin, I would still like to believe their brain is the key to their functions.
I would take the great knowledge we have of the human brain, full seperate the Cerberal Vortex from the central processing system in the brain so that their thoughts would not be able to be processed, and therfore no longer be harming us, I would set up a system of electric shock needles in their brain each one corresponding to muscles in the body, I know we don't know this throughily now but with time and expertmenting I would find the pacific areas and the time regulate them to be able to make the zombie disco dance, and have people with controls to the shock rods in their heads compete to see who can be the best at getting their zombie to disco dance, cause at this time we all could use a laugh and entertainment, I would like to thank the director of "Shaun of the Dead", Edgar Wright for the thought of using Zombies as tools.

Posted at 7/15/2005 2:11:03 am by Darkage_Raven
Psycho Therapy At Work (1)



Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Entry

Now I know this has been a while since a posted, a long while, I am still sorta working on my blog drive account making ti look nice and all but untill I have it done complete and working I will not post it, I have written a few entries in the meanwhile which I will not post for more then obivious reasons if you know anything about me. I have even more currently been suffering in all my classes, it is causing me to lower my marks cause I have no way to keep interest in them, I fall asleep in them, now if I had a decent bit of stimulation I think I would be able to survive my classes and stay awake, but the only classes I have been able to stay awake in are classes that deal with computers, stuff that gives me tons of stimualtion. I feel like slipping into the music and not leaving if that was possible, but it is not, I am not sure wheter or not I want to go out and work on computers or become a teacher, I have a reason to become a teacher, and that would be the hope of finding people like me and teaching them how to be able to live through all of their problems, and try and make things interesting for them and everyone. I am sitting here currently with my winamp player running and I am listing to all the music videos I have downloaded, I am currently at 105 music videos and my favourite right now is "Nine inch Nails - The Hand that feeds. Over the past two months I have been using this rather sloppily made but ok forum for Role playing and just general discussion called Gaia Online.You make yourself a avatar, but everything good is costly as it probably should be, but the good thing about this compared to Habbo Hotel that it is all free, you get the currency gold by doing many things like posting, fishing, answering pools, going through the pages and etc. I am writing all this out before hand in notepad cause I still do not trust blogdrvie, I have lost to many thing to them and this isn't one of them I want to lose to a stupid internet problem cause the page wants to bloody refresh and wipe itself clean of all the non essentail data left, which would include your entire entire most of the time.

Currently there has been alot of bad things happening in our group, which is sorta like breaking apart but to be honost I am not even gonna try and keep it, it has lost all its meaning when people start using other people in the group for physical needs and mental needs later on for the other half of the situation, I am currently trying to hold myself back from making one person go into a state of permenant erectile disfunction as well as make him suffer through enough pain to even be considers a small amount of the pain he has caused, if you do not know who this person is, you are either 1) not in the group 2) ignorant of everything going on around you or 3)someone who can't believe yes he is doing this, and you got lied to about it. Well I have had more then enough discussions about him, not that I mind talking about who disfunction he is currently because of his lust for sex and getting off. You know what no matter what you say there is enough there to get him charged with sexual assualt and sent to prison for it with or without personal testimonies going either way on him due to the fact of ages of people he did stuff with. All personal testimonies wouldn't be cared about, but this is just me thinking about justice and what goes through my head.

I am trying to make this a rather longer entry cause I am rather bored, which happens far to often to be any good for me now. and I really need to get stuff out of me and I really don't care what people are going to say about this, it is completely true so don't bother to argue with me. I an in a situation where I have to ignore my heart, obey my head and deny my body, I was fucked over by a girl name Kirsty a while back and that totally removed all my sense of being since she made one promise to me which is a rather simple one "Don't use me like most of the other girls have." and I can easily say that she is like those other girls, she was removing me from her life cause she got a b/f and she didn't tell me, she wasn't planing on telling me. When I found out about her b/f she was ledding me on for a month and a half, and she lied about to to her best friend Bea, who use to be one of my friends till she decided to pick sides and I chose her cause she is all about the girl power not matter if it was right or wrong from them to do it. I really don't talk to her anymore, and really don't want to for obivious reasons. I really still do hate Kirsty for this and she told Bea I was trying to pressure her into things that weren't true, I wanted to get out and have coffee with her. She introduced other ideas while I still said coffee, and anything else is and always will be your decision, I would of thought Bea knew me enough to actually know I wouldn't pressure people into do things, especailly after I have been used too many times in my life already and I am only 18. I had to grow up early, did you, and someone of you are still acting like you never had to grow up yet. I am ended this statement here

I am actually talking to someone I haven't talked to in around 12 months again, I actually let Emily back into my life. she is an ok person but I have to get to know her again cause she has changed, but then again so have I  but then again I have only gotten massively different that I was last year. I really want to leave this city and look turn back. I wouldn't mind meeting new people and make a new life for myself as a few of you probably know already, when I leave for College or university I am probably not even gonna continue to talk to my highschool and grade school friends. I might continue to communicate with a few of them, but that will actually mean something. I think I have had enough ranting for one night that I am willing to talk about, I got way more to say but I really don't want to let you all know about it till a set time, or never at all


Posted at 3/30/2005 1:35:36 am by Darkage_Raven
Psycho Therapy At Work (3)



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So yeah this is my blog, I am warning you now.

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This blog is just something to express my veiws on life and other things

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I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty

Mankind found a God and mankind, in his folly, tried to make the God his toy. For his arrogance, mankind was punished. That happened fifteen years ago. And the God that man found was lost. But man continues to attempt to ressurect the God, and from that God, Adam, man attempted to make a man who was like that God himself.

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